In and Out of the Fog
“What’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder like? What’s it like to have a traumatic brain injury?” I get these questions from time to time – from strangers who have read my memoir, “Collapsed”, to my closest friends and family members. And as somebody who lives with them, I should have a ready answer. Well, there’s the funny answer: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e7a27af8bf/massive-head-trauma-from-suegalloway. I also have the textbook answer.
According to WebMD, the following symptoms can occur with PTSD:
Reliving the event
Bad memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. You may feel like you’re going through the event again. This is called a flashback. Sometimes there is a trigger: a sound or sight that causes you to relive the event. Triggers might include:
Hearing a car backfire, which can bring back memories of gunfire and war for a combat veteran.
Seeing a car accident, which can remind a crash survivor of his or her own accident.
Seeing a news report of a sexual assault, which may bring back memories of assault for a woman who was raped.
Avoiding situations that remind you of the event
You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event.
A person who was in an earthquake may avoid watching television shows or movies in which there are earthquakes.
A person who was robbed at gunpoint while ordering at a hamburger drive-in may avoid fast-food restaurants.
Some people may keep very busy or avoid seeking help. This keeps them from having to think or talk about the event.
Feeling numb
You may find it hard to express your feelings. This is another way to avoid memories.
You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.
You may not be interested in activities you used to enjoy.
You may forget about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.
Feeling keyed up
You may be alert and on the lookout for danger. This is known as increased emotional arousal. It can cause you to:
Suddenly become angry or irritable.
Have a hard time sleeping.
Have trouble concentrating.
Fear for your safety and always feel on guard.
Be very startled when someone surprises you.
For me, the first two categories have largely been avoided. It’s the second two where I continue to struggle. And while I can hide it from the outside world pretty well, it tends to burst out of me around those I am closest to, whom I generally leave my guard down and just – be. Specifically, the symptoms I deal with most are the feelings of suddenly becoming irritable and not having positive or loving feelings. (Great traits for a young marriage, right?) These emotions happen sporadically and, it seems, with invisible triggers. I don’t know what causes them, but I can feel when they come on like when a car comes upon a dip in the road and is suddenly enveloped in fog. It’s just – BAM – and it’s there. Thankfully, through years of counseling, I’ve been able to better recognize these episodes when they occur and I am able to deal with them as they happen – take a time out – and reset myself (and usually offer an apology if I have offended the unassuming target of my irritability). My hope is that over time I can catch myself sooner to the point where the irritability either doesn’t happen or I can catch it before it does any damage.
As someone who has dealt with several traumas – a divorced and all-but-invisible father, a sexually assaulted mother, all before the bridge collapse – it’s no wonder that the dam burst for me and my coping strategies when the bridge plummeted. It’s been a long climb, recovering from a massive brain injury, processing the whole event and relearning how to cope. I am sure my own stubbornness and false belief of thinking I can “outsmart” PTSD doesn’t help either. I like to think that I’m still the same person as before the accident, even if I’m not.
People see me and remark how far I’ve come collapse: physically and successful in my ventures. They are right: I have kicked some butt and hard work and a loving God have seen me through. Yet, if only they could see the inside they might think differently. But like all the other aspects I have bested, I’ll beat this one too. I guess I just want people to understand what PTSD is and how strong its tentacles really are. It has definitely been the biggest fight of my life.
