Finding Myself Unfrozen
2019 was a very difficult year for me.
I left my job that wore like an ill-fitting suit and decided to chase after a business coaching gig that I quickly realized I lacked the necessary personality traits to succeed in. I suddenly found myself without a plan. I panicked and even fainted, passing out in my back yard once and later falling against a bathroom door and sending the knob through the drywall. My significant other subsequently ended our relationship, my constant pensive behavior sending her packing.
Was I a mess? Oh, you bet I was.
I realized that I was quite unhealthy and it was time for a reset. I wasn’t going to be a functional ANYTHING if I didn’t get myself sorted out. I spent the summer reflecting on what had happened, what I wanted and needed and how I was going to get there. I met with a counselor. I read books on with titles such as “Your Erroneous Zones” and “The Self-Confidence Handbook.” I knew I wasn’t going to be a productive boyfriend, employee or father until I could get to the root of my own being.
I took the summer off and just focused on the present, which was altogether new to me. Once I started doing that through meditation and self-awareness I discovered that since the bridge collapse I had been spending all of my time in either the past or the future — places where guilt (past) and worry (future) reside. I also found joy, which had been living in the present the entire time. For the first time in a helluva long time I was introduced to happiness.
Finding joy was an invaluable find, but it doesn’t pay the bills. Autumn started and I got started on finding that next job. It became a terribly frustrating experience for someone who hadn’t seriously had to compete for a job in 13 years. The diversity of my resume became a stumbling block for many jobs. I was a finalist for a few positions but lost out. And in one instance, I received an email from one company providing information regarding job orientation; when I replied with confusion as no offer had been given I was told to disregard the email as it had been sent in error. (WHAT?!?)
There were plenty of occasions where I wanted to throw in the towel after wondering if I was employable. I shared my frustration with a friend. The job wasn’t out there, I remarked. Expenses were piling up and I was completely stressed out and worried. My buddy, the father of an 8-year-old daughter, gave me some advice he had heard while watching “Frozen 2” earlier that day. In the animated film, Anna sings:
“Hello, darkness, I’m ready to succumb
I follow you around, I always have
But you’ve gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing.”
And that’s what my friend told me to do: the next right thing.
I looked at him incredulously. I highly doubted the answer to my very big predicament lay in the cheesy lyrics of a children’s movie made to sell merchandise. But what did I have to lose?
So that became my mindset. I kept applying for jobs even when it felt hopeless. I kept reaching out to connections even when they had nothing to offer. And on those days where the job opportunities seemed to shrivel like an overripe grape on a vine I worked on other projects. I blogged and I started podcasting as a way to share experiences about trauma in order to help others. And I kept reminding myself to stay in the present where the joy resided. I believed that only once I was able to find peace in chaos would the right job opportunity appear.
It didn’t happen overnight but it DID happen. The stars aligned. The job found me. The timing was right.
As I turn this page in my life, I know that I need to keep doing the things that kept me going through that extended rough patch. I have to focus on the present. I have to slow down and allow myself to feel. I have to keep helping others through the content I create. And all of that must be girded by a simple process: doing the next right thing.
Thanks Anna.
