Trauma Triggers: Hurting Those We Love the Most
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “We hurt the ones we love the most.” And perhaps you’ve been on either end of that relationship. When it comes to my post-trauma experience, I’ve certainly been the “giver of hurt” as a result of my reactions to triggers.
What’s a trigger? It’s a stimulus (something that happens to you) that causes a subconscious reaction to something that reminds you of a one-time or sustained trauma event.
For example, imagine going to the dentist as a child and having a harrowing experience while sitting in the patient’s chair. Six months later, it’s time to return. As your mom pulls into the dentist’s office parking lot, your palms get sweaty, your stomach hurts, and you start to cry. You scream, “I don’t want to go!” Maybe you said terrible or mean things to your mom or maybe kicked or hit her. You probably even felt justified in doing so at the moment.
Trauma survivors can have trigger reactions ALL THE TIME. And I did (and do). And the triggers aren’t isolated to situations and events. People can be triggers—even people I love or have loved.
My unwilling participation in the Interstate 35W Bridge collapse kicked off my post-trauma journey, but it wasn’t my first trauma experience. I experienced what alcoholism can do to a parent-child relationship. And as a young teenager, I saw up close how sexual assault can turn a strong person hollow. Through my own experiences or by watching others, I learned that coping meant turning inward or turning away; the best thing to do is create space, and the trigger can’t get you.
So when the bridge collapsed with me on top of it, I knew how to respond when the trauma it created spat out triggers. However, when confined to a hospital bed for two months, there’s nowhere to run.
My triggers happen when I suddenly find myself in situations I cannot control. It can be something as simple as a change in plans for the day. I tense up. I feel, at minimum, inconvenienced and, at most, trapped. For years, I reacted negatively, ranging from a curt comment to flipping the situation to where I controlled it to lashing out in anger. Often, it was all of these.
Who usually ends up being on the receiving end of these instances? You guessed it: those closest to me. Unsurprisingly, my relationships eroded or ended due to these reactions. And when they did end, I didn’t understand why like I do today.
“They just don’t understand what I went through.”
“They should know better than to set me off.”
“This is just normal relationship stuff. Don’t they get it?”
Even more strange, there are/were people in my life whose very presence created a trigger”: my now ex-wife and my mother. These were also the people I loved the most. It irritated me to no end why that was the case until I had the “Ah-ha!” moment one morning in the shower. It all tied back to those earlier traumas.
These were to people by my side 24/7 after the bridge collapse. My mother refused to leave my side in the hospital for even one day. My then-fiancee was there every day also. To me, the hospital stay was part of the trauma. I was as trapped in that bed as I was in my car, half-submerged in the Mississippi River. Unbeknownst to them, their constant presence, done out of love, melded with the trauma (or, more accurately, that’s how I perceived it). Talk about a punch to the gut!
Once I understood the cause, it made it easier to separate these two individuals from the traumatic experience. It still happens: remember, triggers cause a SUBCONSCIOUS reaction. While I can’t control my subconscious, it’s possible to deescalate the subconscious reaction and react outwardly appropriately. Not only is it possible, it’s necessary to reclaim our lives as trauma survivors. But it takes mindful practice. This includes the ability:
to learn from our post-trauma journey
to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes
to communicate honestly with those close to us
The post-trauma journey isn’t a pretty thing. It’s littered with bruises and scars, setbacks and losses, damage and regret. Our determination to build back better helps us flip the worn-out script and instead love most the ones we’ve hurt.
