Survivors and Guilt: 10 Ways to Attack It
The trauma survivor and guilt: how does one start discussing this topic? I’ve yet to meet a trauma survivor who hasn’t dealt with this issue in some manner. The two seem to go part-in-parcel.
And it’s not that there’s just one kind of guilt. It shows up in different ways. The most well-known is survivor’s guilt. In some traumatic experiences, not everyone survives. Those who do may carry blame for that. For one, they may feel guilty simply for being alive. Or, they may feel guilty for not having done something during the traumatic experience that saved a life. Conversely, they may carry guilt for doing something they believe contributed to a bad outcome during that traumatic episode.
But that’s not the only type of guilt to be felt by trauma survivors. There’s another kind that can weigh the survivor down over time.. It greatly burdens those who see the unhealthy trauma trigger response and their self as one in the same. Many trauma survivors don’t know how to manage their trigger responses well. When the trigger happens, the survivor reacts instantly as they feel with the same intensity as when the traumatic event occurred. That can manifest itself in myriad ways, but in most cases, the response isn’t healthy. Perhaps the survivor reacted with harsh words or unkind actions. Whatever that unhealthy response was, it eroded the relationship in some way.
Then, the trauma survivor often feels the guilt overwhelm them as they see the hurt the reaction caused. In fact, their loved one may very well outwardly blame them. “Why do these triggers continue to haunt me? Why can’t I keep my cool when they come around? I’m a horrible husband/wife/father/mother. My loved one deserves better. I deserve to be alone.” The negative thoughts pile on and on and on.
The guilt can be suffocating and dangerous if we don’t address it. What can we do?
Here’s a great article that shares 10 Ways to Stop Feeling Guilty. I’ve included an abbreviated list below with my own thoughts.
Acknowledge it exists. Sticking your head in the sand like an ostrich when a trigger happens will get you nowhere and will erode your relationships.
Eliminate negative self-talk. This can be a hard one. We have to learn how to love ourselves, starting with being kind to ourselves.
Find out if there’s a reason to feel guilty. Dig around inside your brain. You’ll probably discover that feeling guilty isn’t necessary.
Remind yourself of all that you do. It can be easy for us to forget our worth and value to others.
Realize it’s OK to have needs. Make sure you’re focusing on finding self-balance.
Establish boundaries. Self-care includes knowing when to say no.
Make amends. Do you feel the need to apologize? Saying I’m sorry can help let go of the guilt.
Understand what you can control. We’re only human, and we can’t protect ourselves from everything.
Address any mental health challenges. You only know what you know. Finding someone who can guide us while filling our toolbox with mental health tactics is a key component of recovery.
Acknowledge that perfection doesn’t exist. You’ll never bat 1.000 when managing triggers, and that’s all right. As long as you’re working on building a healthy habit, it’s a win.
Effectively dealing with guilt might be one of the most challenging obstacles for a trauma survivor to hurdle. It will take some time, but it’s worth the work because you’re worth it.
