Why Can’t I Show Care Consistently? 4 Ways to Fix It
I recently spoke to a woman who experienced an episode of domestic violence with a significant other who becomes enraged when consuming alcohol. During the incident, the inebriated boyfriend broke down a door and busted the woman’s smartphone. Needless to say, the incident frightened the woman who had very few places to turn for help.
During my discussion with her, she shared her frustration and confusion. She wondered why he willingly destroyed things that he had purchased. Wouldn’t you take special care of the things in your possession? Items that you had invested in?
You can take that one step further and insert “loved one” for “things” or “items”. Aren’t our loved ones the most prized possession of all?
When I look back at my own relationships as a complex trauma survivor, I see my own glaring mistakes where I didn’t care for loved ones in the way that I should have, or, more accurately, wanted to. I say “wanted to” because the intent was there but the execution was not. And that’s the really frustrating part. How could that be?
To others, it may appear that the trauma survivor lacks the effort or motivation to consistently provide a level of affection, attention, and care that they expect or deserve. I want to tell you that this is generally not the case. We WANT to provide these things to our spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, children, and others who mean the world to us. So what’s stopping us?
How Trauma Affects Us
The trauma survivor fights a never-ending battle on different fronts. Biologically, our brain experiences a physical change as neural pathways must rewire. We can’t cope/adjust/redirect like before. If you’ve ever tried to learn a foreign language, you can understand how the brain stops/starts/stops while trying to interpret the message it receives. It’s kind of like that for many trauma survivors but with emotions.
Secondly, our brains are always either scanning for potential threats or responding to triggers. It’s like when you were a kid and stood on the center of a teeter-totter at the playground, trying to balance yourself and keep the teeter-totter parallel to the ground. This constant mental adjustment can be exhausting and all-consuming. That interferes with the ability to allocate energy toward others.
Put these together, and it creates an unfortunate environment for filling the emotional needs of loved ones. We survivors try to do this but oftentimes can’t maintain it. We run out of gas and pull back into ourselves to replenish our own tanks. This can be interpreted by loved ones as selfishness or neglect.
So does that mean trauma survivors are destined for a life alone or to remain in a dormant, unsatisfying relationship for both them and their loved ones? Absolutely not. Here’s what we can do:
Accept that the relationship isn’t where both want it to be. Oftentimes, when this is brought up, it becomes an argument as the trauma survivor is put on the defensive. Make sure you’re using supportive language when having the conversation.
Expounding on that, attack the problem, not the person. As a loved one, be honest with what you’re getting or not getting, but remember that the survivor isn’t the problem, the after-effect of trauma is.
Have patience and empathy. Remember why you entered into the relationship and what makes the other person special to you. Doing so can help provide extra tolerance during moments when needs aren’t being met.
Trauma survivor: Just as we keep an eye on the fuel gauge while driving, do the same with your own emotional tank. If you’re feeling like you’re low on gas, share that with your partner. Communicating where you’re at emotionally will help them understand that it’s “you” and not “them”. They’ll be more likely to give you the time you need to refuel and be ready to meet their needs.
Our loved ones ARE our most prized possessions. Taking care of them appropriately means taking care of ourselves appropriately as well.
