When Triggers Strike During Intimate Moments
Every once in a while, an alert pops up on my smartphone that tells me an app (take Ring as an example) has been running in the background for days. It asks me if I want to continue running the app non-stop, if I only want to run it while it’s active, or if I want to turn it off.
The first option is a great example of the post-trauma mind. For many of us, our hypervigilant brain is stuck in always-on mode—continually scanning for danger. Unfortunately, there’s no easy “off” switch like my iPhone offers.
And this hypervigilant brain isn’t selective with scenarios when triggers come along. They can happen at any moment, including during times of intimacy. This is infuriating, as romantic or intimate encounters are reserved moments where two people shed inhibition and judgment for the opportunity to grow closer in a way different from their relationships with all others.
So imagine the frustration for both when a trigger invades this space. It could be an embrace from behind, setting off the traumatic sensation of feeling trapped in a car seat during an accident. The feel of your partner’s breath on your neck kicking up traumatic memories of sexual assault by a family member. It could be anything.
Reliving that trauma sensation during an intimate moment can shut it down instantly, and who could blame the trauma survivor? But it can also leave the partner confused and feeling unwanted. They may think they did something wrong or that their significant other/trauma survivor is rejecting them. The trauma survivor may downplay what happened, blame him/herself, blame their partner for causing the trigger, or something different. But the result is the same: the trigger caused damage to the relationship. It pulled two people further apart during a moment meant to bring them together. It’s frustrating, and it’s all too common.
So what can be done? I found this article that can help. It boils it down into three consumable steps:
Learn how to express your feelings. Communication is key. If we can develop the skills to share how we are feeling with our partner, it eradicates misperceptions. You can begin to understand one another, which allows you to provide empathy.
Practice mindfulness and stay in the present. I preach mindfulness a lot as a tool to swat triggers. When the trigger washes over us, it can help us to identify it as it shows itself. This brings self-awareness that what we are experiencing in the present is NOT what w experienced during the traumatic event. Our partner’s intentions are good, and we are safe.
Seek some help. This is an area that takes time to work through. You can’t fix it overnight. Finding a professional who can provide guidance in the long run and keep you centered on self-health can be a huge ally.
We all seek intimacy. It’s part of the human condition. So if your partner is on a post-trauma journey and intimacy is an issue, it’s time to look deeper. Your relationship depends on it.
